I wasn't playing Secret Agent, I was bound and gagged for 2 hours.

I went to a Spurs game, before the program. Long story short, I lost my job.

Be nice to me and buy my stuff.

Captain Cabinets, trapped in cabinets. Can he get out? Will he get out? Of course he will.

Single handedly propping up the super glue industry

Cheer up, Bill! You'll be dead soon.

Ever been written out of a will?

Hamm's

His campaign promise was that, if elected, he would resign.

Dead eyes. Eat hearts. Cant lose.

It's a braeburn.

All you have to do it boolean the axes!

Petition to help me fist fight Mike Lazzo. Sign below.

Professional Skills: Can cry on que.

If there's anything more important than my ego around here, I want it caught and shot right now.

That boy ain't right.

Artist

I'm interfering with God's business.

I am one of those. I am a haunted doll person.

Oh, he just rocked him with a brick!

You ever sweat so much your phone thought it was underwater?

Mom says I'm naturally built for winter climates.

I forget what to do next, as I burp Milwaukee's Best, while your nephew codes out on the table. Guess I should have stuck to teaching gym.

I just... dont think you'll be a good mother.

Mom says it's not okay to hit!

Rugged Boy was not a boy, but in fact, a stingy bastard.

Tell her that I'm in to her, and that I always stare at her not because I'm creepy, but because I'm deep.

No. No more death pacts.

Oy vey, oy vey, oy vey. It's baby cutting in half time.

I dont want to go to a second location with you.

I dont really like talking about my flair.

I have books in 13 libraries around Chicago.

I’m the girl you’ll never BE.

Just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing.

Oh Dennis, what a mess.

Absorb the aggression, Denny. Absorb the agression.

My hands hurt.

Mama, can I? Huh? Mama, can I? Huh, huh? Can I, Mama? Won't you please let me, Mama? Can I? Huh?

Honorary Mayor of 304's-Ville

Kyle's fingers be silver, Jacks voice then be gold.

Do not shoot the Deep Sea Clown.

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.

The wrong kid died.

And you never ONCE paid for drugs. Not once.

BONE SAW IS READY

Eat the pig, eat the pig, ziggy ziggy ziggy zig.

Caesar is a salad dressing dude.

I play Edward Fortyhands by myself, just for fun.

I heard one in two male friendships now end in dude-vorce. It's so sad when dudes grow apart.

Bah-da-da-dum-bum-bum-bum-ba-da-da-bum-bum-ba-da-da-dah. Bah-da-da-dum-bum-bum-bum-ba-da-da-bum-bum-ba-da-da-dah

Until the end of the world.

Shoulda gone home.

Alakazam! Alprazolam.

I fall through the floor, I'd say on the average, about once a year.

I'm gonna embarrass you at this party, Barry.

I can finally fight my wife's new husband, Danny Crouse.

Me and Gordon are way into Satan.

Offical Local Guide for Chicago, IL.

I need to return some video tapes.

Surprise, then disappointment.

Just in time for the holiday season!

DIYDAM

One man glam rock band

And another thing...

Held together with superglue.

My car's like a puma, it drives on all fours.

Your mother cooks socks in Hell.

You'd never guess I cried in the shower this morning.

I have a gala.

My children, you are blind to reality, and for that, I am most proud.

Massages, non-psychic mediums, bail bondsmen

Me and these dinosaurs are getting friggin ripped tonight.

I've been dreaming again, and I want it to stop.

The stronger your Brooklyn accent, the more I want you to scold me.

Sometimes I play Edward Forty-hands by myself.

I've been dreaming again and I want it to stop.

Did you get the thing I sent you?

I dont think those artists ever shower. It was like, just when you thought you'd never smelled anyone worse than one guy - BAM!

I love yelling about aliens.

I've always dreamed that one day I'd have a band member who shared my vision of creating extremely likeable music.

We were in the forest like secret squirrels and now we're likeable.

Shameful pit of nothingness.

Sadboi masquerading as an angryboi

If we were together for a hundred years, I would never learn Portuguese.

The shrink at school thinks I'm one of God's mistakes.

If you want to know how to waste a load of money, come and talk to me.

Me and Gordon are waaaay in to Satan.

Nerd, don't estimate all humanity by the limits of your own capability.

Bonesaw is ready.

𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦

Hey kid, wanna rent a cat?

My head hurts.

Pants were made for peeing.

"Movies are better than people. You don't have to smell who you're watching." - Mark ''Baby'' Cakes.

Quantity over quality, guaranteed.

Fly high, Bird Luger

Bird Luger

Bird Luger will never die.

Currently offering try-outs for my traveling 6-part ukulele band Please Stop Hitting Us.

Breaking into the feline market. Find out more at catsforalloccasions.com/

Amazon Prime has the strangest selection of Action & Adventure movies I've ever seen.

I wear a white shirt to eat lasagna. It keeps me humble.

I was under the impression this would get me more dates.

Werewolves, not swearwolves.

YES, AND I AM THE DOLLMAKER

Just cus you're hungry doesn't mean that you're lean.

Here I go, digging in again.

GIBI

Something might happen here, and if it does... so what?

It's the compé and you cant stop mé, when you join forces with the scroller-buttoné.

DO dodo DO dodo do do, DO dodo DO dodo do do. -Halloween Theme Music

Halloween Theme Music

Gorehound hell-bound horror movie lover

I am shamelessly self-involved.

Superior training, indomitable will. Just adrenaline and rage keeping me going. Also, military-grade Adderall.

I have the strength of a crowded bus stop of men.

My backpack's got jets.

First you get that crunch. Then you get that sweet. Then you get that savory chili powder taste.

DING DADA DING DING DING DING DING I AM MADE OF MAGIC

I'M AN ARTIST